A641.3.3.RB - Emotional Intelligence: Getting Results!



McKee, Boyatzis, and Johnston (2008) indicated that the “single most important factors in distinguishing great leaders from average leadership” include both emotional and social intelligence.  Daniel Goleman (2012) said that emotional intelligence refers to “how well we handle ourselves and our relationships.” He further indicated that emotional intelligence is composed of four domains; self-awareness, self-management, empathy, and skilled relationships.

Self-Awareness
“Emotional self-awareness is the ability to process emotional information quickly and accurately, to recognize one’s own emotions as they happen, and to immediately understand their effects on oneself and others” (McKee et al., 2008).  Self-awareness is like being a spectator of your own emotions and being able to see why they happen, what they do to you, and what will happen if you continue to feel that way.  Self-awareness is definitely a competency I have grown into as I have gotten older.  I remember when I was a teenager and even into young adulthood I would get mad over pretty simple things.  I almost never got mad at people, but I got mad at inanimate objects that did not respond how I wanted them to.  I remember on several occasions throwing a wrench across the garage in a fit of frustration because I couldn’t get a bolt loose, or because something I was working on was not going together as I had hoped.  As I got a little older I was able to understand the things that frustrated me and take action to change my emotional path.  I have not gotten mad at anything like that in years.

Self-Management
Self-management means “handling your distressing emotions in an effective way so that they don’t cripple you, so that they don’t get in the way of what you’re doing” (Goleman, 2012).  Self-management begins to take shape when we realize that we are in the driver’s seat of our emotions.  We frequently blame others for what we feel: “he made me mad,” or “she’s made me upset,” are declarations we regularly hear.  However, a person that has effective self-management skills does not allow another person to determine how they feel.  This does not mean that a person with self-management skills never gets upset; it simply means that he or she is in control, and doesn’t lose control because of the actions of another.

I am a very patient person, and I feel like I have developed great self-management abilities.  In fact there have been many times while disciplining my children that I have had to act far more upset than I really was.  Recently I was raising my voice pretty loud with one of my teenage daughters.  I was probably getting louder than I should have, but I really wanted her to know that what she had done was unacceptable.  Afterwards my wife asked if I was ok, I responded “Yep, I am fine, why?”  I felt no emotional distress whatsoever; I was actually acting upset for impact, but I was not upset at all.  There are times that I do get upset, frustrated, and angry, but with self-awareness and self-management I am able to bring myself back down and feel positive feelings quite easily.

Empathy
Empathy is the ability to see things from another person’s point of view, an attempt to understand their feelings and perspectives, and a willingness to use that information to guide our personal actions.  People who are empathetic are not “stuck” seeing the world through the lens of their own opinions; they can set their personal lens aside and see the world from the vantage point of another. Goleman (2007) indicated that when we focus on ourselves, regardless of the activity we are engaged in, we essentially shut off the part of us that feels empathy.  He also suggested that empathy begins with noticing the people around us.

I believe I am naturally an empathetic person.  I remember as a young boy getting upset when I saw some older boys in my neighborhood kicking a dog.  They were doing it just for fun; it was a small dog and it was not doing anything to them. I remember thinking to myself how scared the dog must have been, being abused by several kids.  As I have grown older and have been put into leadership positions where I could “kick the dog,” I have tended to go about getting things done a different way. When I have been in a position of authority I have always tried to act as though everyone is my equal.  I don’t like being treated like a second-class human being and I don’t think anyone else does either. I have always tried to treat others the way I would want to be treated.  Closely related to empathy is compassion.  Boyatzis and McKee (2005) have indicated that compassion is empathy in action; it is what you do after feeling empathy.  My wife and I have tried to instill empathy and compassion into our children.  Several years ago we established a family motto: “The only way to be truly happy is by making other people happy.”  That is a motto I use as a personal guiding star in all aspects of my life.

Social Skills
Goleman (2012) indicated that self-awareness, self-management, and empathy are wrapped together and utilized in our interactions with other people.  This is known as social skills, and includes the ability to handle and influence other people’s emotions.  Emotionally intelligent people are able to understand the emotions to the point that they can understand what moves and motivates them.

I think that of all the areas of emotional intelligence, this is the one that I have struggled with the most.  I think that I am inspirational and able to motivate people . . . when I try.  But it is not something that comes naturally to me.  I naturally have great respect for others and for their opinions, so I have a hard time telling them “no, we need to do it this way.”  After taking in suggestions and listening, a leader needs to be willing to make a decision.  I do not like upsetting people, so sometimes I have struggled to make the decision when it is unpopular.  I have always been one who shies away from conflict.  A good leader should not be afraid of conflict.  However, over the last few years I have learned this about myself, and even though I am uncomfortable with a situation, I have gotten to the point where I can be bold and make tough decisions, even when I am worried what others will think and feel.  However, I also try to smooth things over with people if I have upset them by my decisions or actions.

To summarize, emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness and an understanding of your own emotions.  Self-management follows as individual emotions are managed and controlled.  Once your own emotions are understood and managed it becomes easier to be empathetic and recognize and feel what others are feeling.  Finally, once the feelings of others are recognized, it becomes possible to manage and influence their emotions through patience and persuasion.




References

Boyatzis, R. E., & McKee, A. (2005). Resonant leadership: renewing yourself and connecting with others through mindfulness, hope, and compassion. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press.
Goleman, D. (2007). Why aren’t we more compassionate? [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_goleman_on_compassion/transcript

 Goleman, D. (2012). Daniel Goleman introduces emotional intelligence [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU

 McKee, A., Boyatzis, R. E., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a Resonant Leader: Develop Your Emotional Intelligence, Renew Your Relationships, Sustain Your Effectiveness (1st ed.). Boston, MA: Harvard Business Review Press.




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