A632.6.3.RB - The High Cost of Conflict

Stephen R. Covey (1989) said “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand.  We listen with the intent to reply.” Most people are not very good listeners. When people around us are speaking, or even when we are engaged in conversation, our minds are off doing other things.  We might be planning our response to what is being said, we might be thinking about our plans for later in the day, or we might be completely lost in daydreams. For most people, listening, really listening, is not a natural ability.  It takes practice to listen well. Listening has been defined as “a conscious, cognitive effort involving primarily the sense of hearing and leading to interpretation and understanding” (Sayeekumar, 2013). The key is that listening leads to understanding.  

Effective communication occurs when the message that is sent by a speaker is the same as the message that is received by a listener.  However, active listening is much more than simply hearing what is being communicated. It is more than communicating for understanding.  Active listening means stepping into the shoes of the speaker and seeing the world through his or her eyes. It requires getting a grasp on the total meaning of what is being communicated.  In addition, an active listener conveys to the speaker that the message is understood (Rogers & Farson, 1957). There are four steps that can help any listener become an active listener: Prepare to listen, listen for total meaning, ask open ended questions, and listen reflectively.  

First, to set the stage for active listening we need to stop talking and remove any other potential distractions.  For active listening to occur a speaker needs to feel at ease. She needs to be comfortable. That way he she will feel more confident in expressing herself openly and completely.  Second, listen for total meaning. Almost every message has two components: the content of the message, and the feeling that is associated with it. While listening for the total meaning active listeners should also pay careful attention to all cues, both verbal and nonverbal.  Active listeners should listen for ideas and concepts, not just words. Non-verbal cues can include things like voice inflection, facial expressions, body posture, hand movements, eye movements, and breathing. Third, ask open ended questions. An active listener needs to ensure that the message is understood thoroughly.  Asking open ended questions helps the speaker know that the listener is paying attention to the message. Asking open-ended, clarifying question tells the speaker that the listener is interested in the message, and interested in him or her as a person. Fourth, active listeners listen reflectively. Paraphrasing the content of what has been said helps the speaker to know that the listener has been engaged in the conversation and understands the thoughts, feelings, and intent of what has been said.
I have a friend who has gone through several very challenging experiences throughout her life.  About twenty years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. A few years after that her son commit suicide.  She endured nearly thirty years of an emotionally abusive marriage, and is now trying to recover from the consequences of a destructive divorce.  She has been dealt her fair share of difficulties. I have learned over the years as I have come to know her that she lives an emotional roller coaster.  There are times that she is fully functional and is able to cope with the demands of life. There are other times that the pressures of the daily routine nearly crush her.  I have seen how important it has been for her to have someone who hears and validates her. Every couple months my wife and I go to visit her at her home. We sit and listen to her tell about her challenges and difficulties and how she is dealing with them.  We try to listen freely, without any judgment. We ask questions to encourage her to further open up and to show that we are sincerely interested. There are times that we spend an hour with her, and as we are leaving she says “I didn't even ask how your kids are doing!”  That is ok with my wife and I. She needs someone that is willing to actively listen to her.

In most conversations we seem to be most interested in what we can get out of the interaction.  When we turn the corner and begin actively listening we are more interested in what we can add to the conversation by preparing to listen, listening for total meaning, asking open ended questions, listening reflectively.  

References

Covey, S. (1989). The seven habits of highly effective people. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Rogers, C. R., Farson, R. E., & University of Chicago. (1957). Active listening. Chicago: Industrial Relations Center, the University of Chicago.  Retrieved from http://www.gordontraining.com/wp-content/uploads/Rogers%20Farson%20A-L%20Article.pdf

Sayeekumar, M. (2013, May). Develop effective listening skill. Language In India, 13(5), 704+. Retrieved from http://link.galegroup.com.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/apps/doc/A331807350/AONE?u=embry&sid=AONE&xid=031f0ce5

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